largeHola! I realise this blog is floating like bubbles off a waterfall. Weird analogy? Not really if you are a ; (OMG I WILL SAY IT; as much as I hate to use this word.. A SURVIVOR .. there I said it.. didn’t hurt much but my pride.)

FOR YEARS! I f—g hated being called a survivor. People would pat me on the shoulder and say that term.. I still hate it.. it makes me cringe, It makes me feel …. stupid!

When I was raped in my early teens, i did what most child-girls would do, went and talked to my BF’s.(best friends) The young man, the man who raped me was a BF (Boy Friend) of an older very beautiful GF. I never really gave getting into his car for a ride a second thought. When he asked if it was ok to go check out a grow op on the way.. I was young, did not want to appear  … I just said OK!

He took me to a field, just off the Cat cemetery, stopped the car and while I looked at him ..curious and confused he pulled a knife. He gave me a choice, I could submit to sex or I could drop all my clothes and walk back to the gate. The choice was mine….

My memories of this trauma are sketchy at best, but some things I do recall. The song on the radio (Still affects me), the smell of fresh cut hay, my thinking.. Can I get the car door open/find a rock and smash his head in before he stabs me?

The stand off lasted a few hours as he snorted what I think was coke, He was getting up his courage I was looking for an escape.. It never happened, I wanted to live and I submitted with only one leg out of my pants. I think maybe, this may not be a real memory.. I thought this is going to be the deadest F—k you’ve ever had!

Then it was over, I recall pulling up my jeans and he drove me to town, dropping me at a friends. Truly weird, he as he dropped me off said he would call???? Like we had just been on a date??? That was some fucked up shit!

But my best friend.. her beautiful girlfriend whose boyfriend it was.. When I cried and told them my story….. My best peoples did not believe me.. “You??really why would he want you???”

OK I’m done this is hard

Night my friends

You are not alone

xoxo Silent-girl